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| 3/31/07 2200
Haven't updated in a while, hopefully means I'm doing something more productive.
Or simply I just have nothing to say.
I'm really tempted to overhaul Agape and Interclub completely, but chances are that I shouldn't. My vision of something better may simply be another fantasy that's unrealistic that also doesn't line up with God's will. Oh well.
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| 2/19/07 2300
(Bailing on my format, because it's too much of a hassle)
Retreat was awesome, what else can I possibly say without saying it was indescribable?
I definitely came with a bad heart. I doubted the retreat, that it would just butter up the youth, the youth would be unresponsive, nothing great would happen. But God proved me wrong, gave messages that confirmed and reassured. Messages saying that I need to pray 24/7 and to seek for his presence and his provision, because I can't stir revival without God's presence and without the heart that wants his wants.
Yesterday night surprised me. I was totally not expecting it. I honestly thought it was just going to be a 10 minute prayer time and we would go into small groups. Turns out that I was wrong, big time. I thought I was going to burn out and stop praying, turns out God gave me to drive to pray even more. I thought no one was going to pray, turns out the entire congregation was crying and bawling out to God in utter desperation and brokenheartedness. I thought the congregation would be dead and calloused, turns out they were broken and inflamed. God is a powerful God, through simple prayer, it became infectious and broke everyone's heart. I was going to say that there was no sign or wonder that occurred to break everyone, but as I think about, the prayer in itself is a sign and wonder that people cannot comprehend, so much stronger than healing and prophesy I feel. Where this mere act can spread and cut off so many chains, heal so many wounds, and change so many hearts.
To everyone that attended, I will continue to emphasize this: Do not let this die. Do not let this unforgettable night be just that one night. Let it be every night, everyday when you pray. Let us all might at school to keep our flames burning so brightly for God. Even though our fires are blazing infernos, they will die down. But we will not let Satan extinguish this flame. Please, let us meet together in fellowship and in prayer throughout the weeks. Let us continue to pray for God's presence and healing, for the lost, for everything.
Tuesdays and Thursdays I've always been meeting in the practice rooms with a group of friends. Now we're in the choir room. To the Lynbrook people that attended, I urge you to join us in prayer. To those that go to other schools, join a prayer group and if there is none, start one. Be bold.
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| Normally thinking creates resolutions.
Strange, for me it creates an entangling web that gets me into a situation that screws me over, no matter what I do.
I guess I do think too much.
Or maybe I just don't think things through clearly.
Probably it's both.
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| 2/4/07 2300
A Historical Blah
Too lazy to use my normal format right now. It's interesting how I even have a format for my blog...
In any case, I've cruised through my entries of yore and realized how much of a jerk I was. To be honest, if I met myself from four years ago, I would seriously kick that guy in the nuts and say "Grow up and get a life." I'm not kidding. I'm totally disgusted as to how immature I was and attention deficit I was, not in the sense of me not being able to pay attention, but rather how much attention I desired. Very disgusting.
But now I'm wondering if I had ever changed from that jerk. It would really suck if I didn't. If I didn't I might as well start kicking my own nuts right now and say "Grow up and get a life."
Off on a random tangent, but to come to think of it, is it possible to kick your own nuts? I mean, when you squat, your feet is basically at your butt, and since the male genitalia is right next to the butt, one could simply put their leg at a certain angle, the would be able to kick their own nuts. Actually, to come and think of it, it won't work. It would only work if you had no hamstrings and calf muscles to get in the way, plus if you try to bend your leg so that it could kick your own nuts, you would still be hitting your butt cheek, unless your shin bones are unnaturally long, then maybe you could.
This is not to be assumed that I myself have experimented and tried this act. I'm only merely hypothesizing. If someone does manage to do so, I think that person should post it on youtube. They would get a lot of views. And if youtube starts paying people for posting video clips, that person would make quite a bit of money.
Wow that was extremely random. In any case, I've come to realize how many foot-in-mouth experiences I had. A good majority of them are embarrassing, what can I say. But the ones that I'm mainly concerned about are not the ones that have humiliated me but rather have hurt someone else. Too many times I speak out of impulse without thoroughly examining my thoughts and my potential words. Once I speak, it is out of the furor of my delirious mind. When things finally settle in my chaotic brain, I begin to piece things together and realize the magnitude of the potential harm that could be done by my words, only to realize that the damage has already been dealt. I guess this where the saying "Think before you talk" comes in handy. I suppose I have a really loose leash on my tongue, lashing out here and there, unaware of all the damage I'm doing to myself and other people. Too many times I search of something to say, during times of desperation, anger or simply for entertainment, and the among the first things that come to mind turn out to be the most cowardly and destructive things. I really need to learn how to shut up.
Interestingly, now that I think about it, past entries I've been whining how I can't talk, now I'm whining, saying that I talk too much. I wonder how is that possible to talk too much while not talking at all. And no, I don't want some deep literature analysis crap.
In any case, to those who have been victims of my stupidity, I'm sorry for wrong things that I have said. I suppose this all came to mind when I had read previous posts of my emo, angry, pmsy, crazed state of mind. And unfortunately some of them are very recent. Why don't I go and delete them? Once again, too lazy. I guess they'll be reminders for me of my sharp tongue.
I guess many times I just whine and rage out without thinking through the situation. Me being the pessimistic guy, am always looking at the closed doors, missed opportunities, faulty turnouts and what not, but I don't seem to look at all of the blessings and the joys of the situation until much later. Now that I'm thinking things throughly, there are many things to be joyful of, even in the experiences that has caused much confusion and misunderstanding. Even though many things may be unclear, what is clear is that there were things that I enjoyed and would love to remember throughout my life. I guess the deserts in life are too sweet than what I'm used to.
I never let myself relish the good memories.
Una vez mas, mi pie esta en mi boca. Una vez mas, no puedo comprenderla.
Ojos que no puede ver, Orejas que no puede escuchar. necesito tu ayuda
Your ninjitsu is too good for me, give me another chance
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| 2/2/07 1944
Pooh-Poohing life
I need to start exercising more, both physically and mentally.
Dancing with the King
Lately I have been thinking that I haven't been doing some deep self-analysis lately. I think through these self-analysis do I found certain aspects that I need to work on.
I've been wondering if all the things that I am doing is truly for the sake of God's glory. Sometimes I seriously doubt my motives and think that all that I am doing is simply for my own glory and fun. Sometimes when I look at myself, I'm really not following God all that strongly. I'm well aware of man's imperfections and it's inconsistencies, but when you're consistently inconsistent, I feel that something is wrong. I remember there is this one specific passage that talks about how when you're close to God, you don't sin so frequently. Yes everyone sins, and it's inevitable but I feel that one can regulate how many times you sin. From hearing their testimonies, I really admire Pat and Youwan. After hearing how they were serious potty mouths and how over time they have managed to rein their tongues fairly well, it creates a model for me to follow, not only for my own tongue but other in other aspects that I struggle with. And as I examine my effort to curb this frequency, I think that it's going nowhere.
Many times I doubt my relationship with God, not in the sense of whether the relationship exists or not, but whether it's sincerity and integrity. Am I truly close enough to God where my love for him justs oozes out in my actions? Considering how many stupid, indecent, and crude actions and thoughts, and thinking about how a person who's genuinely close with God doesn't sin so frequently, I think I'm actually quite distant from God. I really admire my mom and how she is so intimately close she is with God. Her mouth is not foul, she is full of love and patience, although it does slip once in a while. But who am I to blame? I mean, it's not like it's easy raising three crazy kids that constantly get on your nerves and try your patience. Sometimes her patience and love for me is just, extraordinary. It's kind of indescribable, but I can't really say so, because God's love is truly indescribable.
Point being is that I'm starting to question my own motives. Sometimes saying that I'm doing this for God doesn't seem enough at points of time. It feels like my words hold no water. I always fear that. I pledge something, and yet I break that pledge immediately, not knowing that I had made that pledge a couple moments ago. It's frustrating.
What really made this come to mind was all of the things that I've been doing, plus Hien's post on praise nights. Many times I tell myself that I'm doing all of this stuff for God's glory, doing it for God's glory. But as time passes by, it seems that I'm doing it out of obligation, not out of love. My mom is warning me about loving the service, not loving God. I'm hearing from other people about that. I've read in someone's xanga that a lover's heart can serve more and longer than a servant's heart. Now I'm feeling that I don't have the lover's heart that I'm supposed to have. This once again leads in to the reason as to why I feel distant from God. If I truly and genuinely love and seek God, I would be much closer, and able to do his good will, because of the love that drives me.
I think I'm a weird case, most people whine about God not being close to them, where God's nonexistent to them. Me, I'm whining about how I'm nonexistent to God. Not to be mistaken that God doesn't care for me but rather, it's like a one sided relationship where God love you so much, and yet you're doing absolutely nothing about it. God doesn't want a servant serving him for obligatory reasons, but rather of those of love.
If I truly love and follow God, then he should be more apparent in my actions and character, and when I look at my actions and character and thoughts, they aren't really Godly.
I'm in need of some serious prayers.
The Blurb
The thing that I've been thinking about was why I like to listen to people's problems. To be honest I like to hear how things are going on in my friends lives. If things are going great I like to celebrate with them and if things are going bad I like to be there by their sides. As I look deeper as to why I like to hear people's problems, I've come to realize that it addresses a problem of my own, and I suppose it could be the same for people who also like to hear people's problems.
When you hear people's problems, you're only aware of their shortcomings or their obstacles. When you're hearing it, you feel like you're some sort of greater being. The reason why I say this is because normally when you have a problem at work, you would address it to your administrators or your bosses. I think the same applies to our mentality when people tell you of their problems. It makes it seem that they're asking you for your advice and counseling and I guess it's in ego booster, to have people come to you and to seek your advice. However most of the times these people are only looking for someone to vent off on.
Although it seems nice to be listening to your friends and to be hearing them out, for some reason I feel that this is probably not good for me since I tend to blow up my pride and make myself extremely hot-headed. If I continue to search for people with problems, this will only feed my strange pride and satisfication of feeling greater than someone just because I know your problems and you don't know mine. I'm trying to say that I shouldn't be listening to my friends when they really need a ear, but I think I need to start being a little bit more open with my close friends. Maybe if I open up and share what's going on in my head, it will probably shrink my head and bring me back to reality, showing that I'm not perfect and that I'm not Mr. Know-it-all or Mr. Fix-it-all.
This is really strange train of thought. I think because of all of my insecurities, I desire to know of other's insecurities so that I know that I'm not alone or that there are other "weak" people to be picked on. But to come and think about it, it takes strength to reveal your weaknesses. It's similar to the scenario where the one getting beat up is stronger than the one who is doing the beating. The one is stronger and more confident and self-sufficient is probably the one whos is sharing they're problems and insecurities rather than the one who is listening. To be able to reveal your vulnerablities and not fear of being shot down is something truly admirable, something that I don't have.
Just a curious thought that came to mind, do I seem like an insecure guy? From both first impressions, outward appearance or from knowing me all to well, do I seem like an insecure guy? I think I'm really insecure, but I don't know if people know this. Oh well, just a tidbit from my curiousity.
-A necessary luxury I cannot afford
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